Where · there · is · rain

Someone,
SCREAM.FOR.ME.
please.
Where do I go?

These little things
hurt so much.
I'm not hiding anymore,
from who I am.
Whoever that person
may be.
I'm terrified.
So much I could cry.
But I can't run.
Not this time.
I'm still at the beginning!
"You find out how strong you are
when you have no choice
but to be strong."
I love that quote.
I'm okay.
OKです。
じゃね。

When you throw someone away,
you also throw away pieces of yourself.
What will you have left?
I want to be
irreplaceable.
What does the future hold?
Love,
what is love?
I'll know one day,
won't I?
おやすみなさい。
These thoughts,
sleep.

Things change.
People change.
It's hard to remember
who I am.
It's hard to remember
where I am.
It's hard to remember
that I'm awake.
Living.
Probably. I am.
Right?
こわいいよ。
I'm terrified.
たすけて。
Morning will come.
Hope
for
tommorow.
I need you.

I don't like who you're becoming.
Nor do I like who I am.
I wanted to be seen as strong.
I also wanted to be protected.
I thought
I wanted
to be alone.
But I just
wanted to be
accepted
and loved
as I was.
Before I can be someone
I have to meet that girl again.
The person I am;
the person I am becoming.
And accept her...love her
as she is.
I will not apologize to myself.
I will not feel ashamed.
I'll learn to be strong.
I'll find things to protect.
I want to be someones light
even at my darkest.
So I'm searching for that light
within me.

I'm afraid to sleep
I'm afraid to wake
It's all the same.

It's going to be
long, long way.
Is happiness
even attainable?
For so long,
I have been
in this state.
Is there a way out?
Am I getting anywhere?
What do I want?
Am I lying to myself?
Ignoring the truth?
Are the answers
right in front of me?
If I had answers,
would it make
a difference?
You see,
I know.
I'm not the only one
who feels what I feel.
I won't say things like that.
I'm always looking
to the unreliable future.
I'm always wandering
in my chaotic mind.
Always pretending.
I need something.
Something. What?
What do I need?
My steps forward
must be
microscopic.
You were right.
You were right about me.
People usually are;
right about others.
But rarely
do they know themselves.
Maybe that's why
we need people.
Love.
Someone afraid of that...
is afraid to know
themselves?
I become
less and less
everyday.
Whatever that means.
I'm not ready.
I'll have to
grow up
eventually.
I have been
probably
desperately
trying to protect
myself
all these years.
Sacrificing
so much;
Forcing
so much;
Maybe...
in fear of losing myself,
I've thrown myself away.
Maybe...
I can be someone for somebody
someday.

Please
melt away...
Don't listen for my tears
just
close your eyes
cause' soon enough
it'll be too much
and melt away...

I finally understand.
I don't regret meeting you.
I think
I can let it go now.
Hopefully,
you can too.

When I look in the mirror
I only see a face.
That's all.

I wonder who I am.
I've been so
out of touch
with myself
perhaps forver.
I can't seem
to stay in reality.
And all the things
there are to blame
DON'T REALLY MATTER.
Because I'm still
whoever I am.
Today,
for the first time,
I felt that I
really
saw myself.
In that moment,
just then,
I truly felt
I was beautiful.
Dark.
It was.
The rain started.
I talked to her,
in the mirror.
More honest
than I had ever been.
As true
as I knew how to be.
And yet
still
a wall.
Between
myself
and
I.
Why are you so kind?
Or are you oblivious?
"NO ONE WAS EVER WATCHING."
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
Even then,
I felt like
I was putting on a show.
For myself?
Because I was alone,
like I had always been.
I could only
S C R E A M .
I like
unchanging
things.
Probably,
I do.
Once I can forgive
the both of us
Well, I wonder.
What then?
This is no end.
This is no beginning.
You just keep going.
Life.
I don't love you
any less.
I have no answers.
Some things,
even with time,
are never known.
How can I close
the space

between us?
Maybe we have become
too alike.
Now even nature
forces us apart.
We're too young,
you know.
What an excuse.
I don't believe-
I don't know
what I believe.
This is youth.
How tragic~
But how lucky
am I
to have a path
before me...

The words
got lost
somewhere
along the way.
You left me
breathless.
It's okay;
I'm used to
being the bad guy.
You hate it
when I'm silent,
You hate it
when I speak.
WHAT DID YOU WANT
FROM ME?!
Just what kind of
perfect
did you think
I was capable of?
Why didn't you
believe in me?
I thought,
I really did
that I let it go.
I don't want
to blame you.
But was what I did
deserving of your
absolute hate?
It still haunts me.
Somewhere in my heart;
I remember
that you too
were in pain.
Even though you used it
in order to hurt me,
I understand
we're humans.
I keep pushing myself
to the edge
so I can feel like
I'm getting closer
to something.
There's so much
to a person,
in a life.
I hope they know
that I'm trying
to do my best,
what I think
is right;
even if
I'm wrong.
I'm not alone.
I'm strong.
YASASHII.
I need to be
my best friend.
My own hero.
Mada, mada.
Eventually
I'll be strong enough
to face you
as I am.
Baby steps.

In fact
I do get angry.
Actually
I do judge.
In reality
I find it hard
to forgive.
I've been confusing
myself, who I
really am
with who
I wanted to be.
I'm not very nice.
At least
not anymore.
Honesty,
does it really
have to be
so mean?
THIS.SILENCE.MAKES.ME.DIZZY.
I was much more alone
then;
being who you wanted
than I am now.
SEE THE INVISIBLE!
SEE THROUGH ME!
See.
the.
obvious.
But you don't.]
You won't.
I am not
broken.
I'm not
breaking.
I'm growing.
Growing;
which may be
even more
painful.

The walls
I put up
have become so thick
even I
am shut out
from myself.
I've always been able
to break them down;
but they always
always
build up again.
I don't know
what to tell you.
A lot has happened.
I don't know
why I'm this way.
Or how I got here;
what's at the core.
Can we really forgive each other?
Are we fighting fate?
I don't know how to
believe you;
trust you;
anything.
Because I don't know
I don't know
myself.
I ignore myself.
Myself ignores me.
This is nothing new.
Actually,
it's getting old.
I'm still too young.

I'm pretty small.
young.
sad.
little.
I know,
I know.

I wish I could take it back.
I wish I could take it back.
Isn't this how I learn what's right?
By doing it wrong?
But still,
what should I have done?
Could someone please
translate my heart
into a language
I understand?
Because I keep listening,
and all I hear is
s.i.l.e.n.c.e.
I'm exhuasted.
But having someone
there for you,
someone
who just wants
to be there for you,
is such a lovely thing.
Nothing more, nothing less.
One day, I want to be
that person.
College.
I'm lost again.
Uncomfortable.
But growing, slowly.

TOO LOUD.
It's too loud,
in my head.
TOO LOUD.
It's too loud,
your presence.
MY HEART, MY HEART, MY HEART!
It tries to open, you know.
Everyone is a little chilly;
but I must be FROZEN.
Looking back,
I've become stronger.
Now, I have to
break.myself.down
and build myself back up
again.
I'm not afraid anymore;
Humans can always
Humans are always
starting over.
I believe in myself.
Somehow, you know,
vulnerability
is a lot more
comfortable
than my strong walls.
Of course,
that is clear
now.
When I was thirsty,
it was suffering.
Now I think,
isn't being thirsty
knowing that
water is near,
something beautiful?
For all those thirsty
who may never
reach the water
that is easy acess for me.
That, and has water
ever tasted better
then when it's calming your thirst?
To feel warmth,
knowing the cold,
to feel joy,
knowing sorrow...
But yes,
someone beat me to this.
These things;
often taught, rarely learned.
SPEAK, JUST SPEAK.
While you can.
No, I can't forgive you,
not without
forgiving myself
first.
Love is high mantience.
Rid myself of hate.
Rid myself of fear.
Rid myself of
defenses.
Unknowingly,
what we all seek.
Is life a circle?
Time and age, cruel jokes?
When I let go,
I become dizzy.
I'll fall.
Good.

I feel like
no one knows me.
Inside of me;
who I am.
My thoughts,
emotions,
visions.
But of course,
those things
are secrets.
Longing for my skin
to turn to a
faded white;
for my eyes to turn
a brighter blue.
I keep listening
for your voice.
But now,
it's a rarity.
I'm not cute enough
to say things like
"I miss you,"
nor decisive enough.
Please
don't tell me
that you love me;
I'm not your fanatsy;
She and I only
share a name and face.
I would like to believe
that eventually
people come to
understand.
But I am not
everyone.
Maybe I
don't understand,
either.
These games I play
with myself;
exhuasting.
I wish you
would accept me
as I am.
And yet, usually,
you are right
about the changes
I need to make.
Without realizing it
yourself,
you have taught me
so much.
I'm proud
of myself
for growing
like I have.
Sharp around the edges,
and my mistakes
are deeply indented.
Intensly introverted,
and reaching
reaching
just a little further.